Self-orientation

What is the main problem in the soul that prevents good relationships from forming? It is a word that starts with the same letter as soul. It is self-orientation.

How does self-orientation show itself? It means that you are in a relationship, not in order that you may be a blessing or benefit somebody else, but for what you are going to get out of it. What you are saying is,

"I am in this relationship for what I am going to get out of it. And if I am getting nothing out of the relationship I see no point in entering into it."

Acceptance and Recognition

What lies at the root of this self-orientation? There are two things which I am sure you know. They are the need for acceptance and recognition. We have discussed it in much detail elsewhere so I am not going to explain those right now.

But you see when you approach a relationship from the point of meeting your need for acceptance or recognition, you are always seeing other people as meeting your needs. And a relationship only exists when there is someone who is meeting your needs.

While a person is meeting your needs then a relationship exists. But the moment your needs are no longer met, that relationship doesn't exist anymore.

A Compromised Relationship

So what happens is you end up getting one-sided relationships. You are in it to get your need met, but the other person also has needs.

So how do you suppose a relationship develops between two people who are both using the relationship to meet their own needs? You have a little thing called compromise or trade. You say,

"I'll trade you this if you give me that. I'm happy to give you this if you give me that. We'll trade and swap. We'll enter into a business alliance here."

So what happens now is you have a relationship in which each person is meeting the needs of the other person. And each one on both sides is in the relationship, purely because their need is being met by the other person.

You can go for years like that provided each one is faithful in doing their part in meeting the need of the other person. But what happens when one person stops meeting the need of the other? There is no relationship anymore, because the relationship was based on meeting one another's needs.

You know this can happen. Perhaps the one person comes to a place where they don't have that need anymore. Perhaps their need is met elsewhere or in another way.

What is it that holds the relationship together now? There is nothing. It becomes a lopsided, one-sided relationship and it is over.

There are married couples who have lived in these kinds of relationships for years. But sooner or later the time comes when the balance is spoiled.

One person may perhaps go through some transformation. God may begin to heal and deliver them, meet their needs and set them free.

Even in Christian couples who may have lived together for years, needing one another and meeting one another's needs, suddenly the one person breaks free and the marriage is now pointless.

Why should they continue? They have no need for it anymore. That is when separation begins to take place.

Parental Inversion

In addition to the needs for acceptance and recognition, there are other mechanisms that come into place. One of the most common ones is a mechanism that we call Parental Inversion.

We usually abbreviate this to the two main letters which are PI. So when I refer to such a person I will refer to the PI.

A person who is caught up in PI is someone who has an orientation to try and be a parent to others and to help other people. In fact they have a driving force within them to help them.

Normally the natural orientation amongst us humans is we are not interested in listening to other peoples' problems. We often say,

"Don't make your problems my problems. I have enough problems of my own. I don't have time to carry yours as well, okay. So just chill out and keep your problems to yourself. I don't want to know your problems."

None of us wants to be the solution to someone else's problem. I learned that even in selling. You come across to the prospect and you say,

"I have a problem and you are the solution because you are going to provide a sale."

Nobody wants to buy when you come across like that. Nobody responds to need. But the PI is different. The PI thrives on being the one who meets needs. In fact the PI cannot live without meeting those needs.

You would wonder how it is that most of us are not interested in meeting the needs of others. But yet the PI seems to love it, thrive on it and look for opportunities all the time to meet the needs of others.

You see the truth of the matter is that the PI has a different kind of need which is not immediately obvious. The PI has a need to be needed.

So when a PI comes into a relationship with a needy person we have a nice little mixture. The needy person is looking to somebody to meet all their needs, where they can cry as much as they like, pour out all their sorrows, and have someone say to them,

"I understand. I care and I want to help you."

They don't realize though that the PI is actually thriving on having somebody who needs them.

The problem with this is that the PI eventually becomes a parent and the needy person becomes the child. We now have an unnatural relationship where the one becomes mommy or daddy and the other one becomes the child.

You see a relationship should be equal. Each person should contribute fully, and especially in the marriage relationship as the Scripture says, the two shall become one.

They will become like one person, where they are eventually thinking together, flowing together and doing things together as though they are one person.

That is a true relationship. But a relationship between a PI and someone who has a great need for acceptance is the same again as two people meeting one another's needs.

Eventually the time will come when the PI is fed up with meeting the needs of this one person they are in a relationship with. They have met every need already but it is never satisfied.

Let's face it, a needy person's need is never satisfied. It is like an insatiable appetite. They push and push and want more and more.

And then because the PI has such a strong need to be needed, they tend to become very assertive, pushy and overbearing. At times they want to try and meet needs that are not even there.

They start to control like a parent. And sooner or later there comes the time where either one says,

"I have had enough of this."

You see it is not natural. It is not normal. It is not the way a relationship should be and that relationship is going to end.

A True Relationship

So what then is a true relationship? A true relationship is mutual giving and receiving, not out of need or dependence, but giving freely to one another in love.

It is uniting together, pooling your resources and your strengths, helping to overcome one another's weaknesses in love and flowing together as one person.

In the marriage relationship that should ultimately culminate with the two becoming one as though they are one person.

But even in other relationships there must come a flow of unity and fellowship; of inter-independence and yet inter-dependence. You should not have one person being totally dependent on the other.

That is what happens when the soul is healthy and where there are not those strong needs for acceptance and recognition. Two people can then come together in a good relationship.

There is one more aspect to relationships which we will look at in the next section. We are going to see how the body fits into this, and how we can then put all three together to form the right kind of relationship.

I believe that this is the kind that God has for us. I believe that kind of relationship will continue and maintain. It will not end up in separation, and it will meet the loneliness in each person who is involved in that relationship.

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